Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Most fashion shows these days…
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.