I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
You Might Also Like
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
There is wisdom there.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away