Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
so much to do
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john