The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Cucumbers Anonymous
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down