WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.