A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
reduce, reuse, recycle
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?