I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
spicy snake
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?