There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.