who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
tell em, edith-anne
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
no
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps