When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Yoga Matt
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff