Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
⛄️
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.