We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.