OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂