Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*