6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.