If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Pretty much! 😂👀
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
If snakes were wide
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity