My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Not today. 😅
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
#CatsOnTwitter
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is