[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything