Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
There is no “we” in pizza
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
no cat here
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.