Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!