MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.