Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
That earthquake could have been an email.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.