Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
He wanted to make sure😂
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks