If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.