Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Oh yeah that’s it
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water