I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Noah
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman