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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.