At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A roof is a house hat.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
$4 #usedbooks