Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’d hang this in my house.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay