I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not