‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs