airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.