Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.