Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂