When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake