Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice