Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Sell your car
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
That’s it.I’m out.