Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
watergate? u mean a dam??
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.