I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.