I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Strangers have the best candy.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory