Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.