Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one