Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂