I wish this was real life…
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E