I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.