I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
lol
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
titanic
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
mmm onion ringos
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”