Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Coffee for people with no kids
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.