So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Hey Fugeddaboutit
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.