Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.