You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃